Be afraid, be very afraid (Or not)
By Rick Devereux
Run for hills! Swine Flu is here! You are powerless to stop it!
We are officially in panic mode, people.
Put down that pork chop and stop kissing that pig. We are all in grave, grave danger.
The mega-attention that is being given to H1N1 (AKA, the swine flu) has reached ridiculous proportions.
Let’s put something into perspective; according to the Center for Disease Control, the number of children who died in the United States from the flu during the 2003-‘04 flu season was 153; the number during the 2004-‘05 season was 47; the number during the 2005-‘06 season was 46; and the number during the 2006-’07 season was 68.
The number of deaths in the U.S. due to the swine flu?
One.
But Rick, that number is sure to rise!
Calm down, there Sparky.
Of the 109 confirmed H1N1 cases, there has been one death, a whopping mortality rate of 0.9 percent.
The Journal of American Medical Association wrote an in-depth report on influenza and respiratory syncytial virus deaths in 2003. A quick synopsis of that report is: Old people and infants die from the flu.
So, if you are old or an infant, you should be concerned. But if that is you, you should be concerned of swine flu, bird flu or any other flu.
OK, maybe I’m being a little heartless here. If someone close to me older than 65 or younger than 18 months contracted the H1N1 virus (or any other flu, for that matter) I’d be worried. If you are taking care of an older or younger person, the CDC has great information.
It seems like basic health and common sense will help. Do all the things they taught in pre-school—cover your mouth when you cough, wash your hands, don’t lick a public telephone—you know, basic things like that.
But Rick, there are reports that this particular strain of flu is striking younger, healthier people.
Yeah, so?
Any of them die?
Didn’t think so.
I hate to sound like such an anti-sympathetic person, but it’s the flu.
Do I want the flu?
No, but it’s only the flu. If I do come down with the flu, I know I probably got it that one night I tried to lick what I thought was icing off that telephone in Chinatown. (BTW, it wasn’t icing, but I regret nothing because I would have always wondered)
My last rant about the swine flu is that it has nothing to do with pigs whatsoever. Jeffrey Kluger with Time magazine has a nice article supporting that assertion and Associated Press writers Mike Stobbe and David Caruso agree that the swine flu is not as powerful as even ‘regular flu.’
1) Keeping in the theme of pork, everyone knows bacon can save the world (it’s science, look it up) actually, a scientist at the University of Texas claims bacon can save your life during a heart attack. I have actually had the famous (infamous?) Bacon Explosion. After eating a piece, I thought I was having a heart attack, but it apparently saved my life.
Besides saving your life, bacon can save you time. Or at least space. In a world where space can be limited in sending URL links (text messages, Twitter, etc.) Bac’n Me will reduce your regular URL into a shorter, saltier, more delicious URL.
I could go on and on, but the L.A. Time’s technology writer Mark Milian has a great write-up on how bacon is sizzling on the internet (pun intended). But here are 10 fantastic bacon ideas (if/when I get an iPhone, I will get the bacon iPhone sleeve).
2) There are worse things in life than contracting the H1N1 virus. How would you like to never have the inclination to ever eat a Cheeto the rest of your life?
I shudder at the thought.
Here is a video of a guy almost dieing from eating the world’s largest Cheeto. (I warn you, it might make you cry.) The worst part might be what happens to the nice keyboard he eats the cheesy treat over.
3) Lack of sobriety and communication has often resulted in hilarity, probably throughout all of human history.
I’m pretty sure someone rolled out of bed one 19th century morning, looked at the empty bottle of whiskey on the dresser and asked, “Who did I send that Morse Code message to last night?”
Shortly after Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, someone else made the first ‘Drunk Dial.’
With the advent of cell phones, text messaging is now the ubiquitous way of communication, whether sober or not. TextsFromLastNight.com has a list of some very memorable texts—even if some of the people who wrote the texts can’t remember sending them. Watch out, though, because this is a supreme time-waster, but you will want to read every text.
4) Mother’s Day is right around the corner (Sunday, May 10), so you better think of something nice for her.
Instead of giving her one gift on one day, take her to the Oregon Sesquicentennial Film Fest at Maryhurst University.
The event showcases how the Pacific Northwest and Oregon has contributed to Hollywood’s history and the film-making process.
5) “What else can you do with an umbrella – other than shield yourself from rain. I mean, we carry these things around with us, is the ANYTHING else they can do?”
You ask, I respond.
Turns out, you can do lots of things with an umbrella.
You can use it for self defense, you can make a chart-topping song, you can make works of art, you can make flying weapons of death, you can tell all those people on top of buildings looking down you what you really think of them, and here are some way cool umbrellas (watch TV, play Star Wars, go to a rave, etc.).
But mostly, umbrellas are for shielding yourself from the elements.
If you have questions, comments or suggestions, email me at rdevereux@koin.com.
